I have been pretty much sleepless since the new moon. Not painfully or in dis-ease. Simply fully awake in the dark winter night. Today, it was about three in the morning; the waxing crescent moon doesn't even rise until after 9 (I looked it up). So, I have spent these early morning opportunities quietly, in pursuit of inspiration--reading and watching videos on painting techniques, native/natural ceremonies and healing practices, and looking up healthy veggie recipes. Spending time in meditation. Just looking for ways that I can be a little better person today than I was yesterday.
Meditation recently has guided me to learn to acknowledge and face the pain and demons of my past, so that they no longer have so much power to limit my experiences or misdirect my steps. I have been studying The Untethered Soul --The journey beyond yourself by Michael A. Singer. He teaches that one's Self, or Soul, is the only the observer of thoughts and emotions. And that, through sitting in the seat of the Soul, we can live fully conscious in the present, free of the source of fluctuations in our inner energy.
"Coincidentally" -- I heard from my son in a Facebook message last week, for the first time in months. We are still trying to know and love and understand each other (he 'found' me just a few years ago, and it has not been a journey without stumbling for either of us).
Today, morning meditative thoughts allowed me to be fully aware that this journey of loss has been my life's single greatest trauma. Through heavy tears, I was led to this blog article, where the writer describes "wearing the veil of a birth mother's grief".
What I know in my soul is that up until this moment, I have avoided really feeling the loss of my son for over 45 years. Before and even after his birth, I had little experience to guide me on what feelings were, or how to express them. And along the way, I discovered that alcohol and drugs could put the dreaded, painful feelings away for a time. Although I know (through education) that sharing feelings and allowing your self to experience them is healthy, I don't have much actual personal experience in those practices.
So, just for today, I am going to permit myself to feel all those years of secrets, loss, and grief. Without blame, without judgment. Just feeling.
I hope that sharing my journey will enhance my healing process; and I hope that it may help you, too.